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February 1st, 2009
10:46 am
i don't visit here much any more, but i'm going to change that. I've seen that lj is having money problems, and I'm going to slowly add all my lj friends to bloglines, so I can be sure to see if anyone moves on from lj to start another blog, and I can be sure I read your posts and comment while you are with lj. I'm adding lj to my qumana, and I'll try to be good about adding posts here from all my other blogs. That way I have one place all the writing is, and I can keep all of you up to date on me. Plus, it will be great to be able to make an lj book of all my blogging all in one book.
I'll see all of you more regularly!!!!
Make those lj books just in case lj does go away.
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January 14th, 2008
12:07 pm - still here and kicking!
I'm posting mostly to my other blog, www.gingerbreadhousestudio.com/blog. I wanted to stop in here and say thank you for all the support and well wishes. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of lj users and the art community. I am humbled to be a part of you all and will be first in line to pay the kindness forward should someone else need it. You all have such a warm, wonderful place in my heart.
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December 28th, 2007
09:11 am - temporary address
Someone asked if I would post a temporary address for cards and such. I'd love to have some mail to open, so here goes.
dorene page
c/o jack page
1870 East Amanda Avenue
Martinsville, IN 46151
temporary email address and paypal address moonlightmuse@sbcglobal.net
I'd love to hear from everyone. It keeps me busy instead of crying. Feel free to email me.
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09:00 am - update
thanks to everyone who is praying for us. My home is a total loss. The fire was started by the power converter to my laptop. Dell has issues with the inspirons so please if you own one check out the recalls on their site. Mine was not recalled, so obviously they haven't gone far enough with it. I'm at my dad's house and using moonlightmuse@gmail.com as a temporary address. Moonlightmuse@gmail.com has also been added to my paypal account for those who asked.
things might move very slowly for me because the laptop was involved and my insurance company is talking litigation.
today is my birthday. Happy freakin' birthday, huh? the whole story and newspaper clipping is on my other blogs, www.gingerbreadhousestudio.com/blog or www.busymomonline.com. I'll try to reply to each of you personally who've sent prayers and well wishes. It means the world to me. I've bought some cheap watercolor paints and a spiral notebook. I think I'm going to see if mom and dad have any old magazines laying around and try to do some journaling/artjournaling today. This is the first day I've felt like facing the world.
My kids are gone today with their grandparents. Their grandparents on their dad's side are going to get them new wardrobes, and I am so grateful for that. I'll write a bit more later, but do check out the other blogs for the details.
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December 24th, 2007
02:32 am - Prayers Pleas!!!!! We're in Crisis
While i was celebrating Christmas with my dad's side of the family my house burnt down. It seems my laptop somehow started the fire. Right now I'm using moonlightmuse@gmail.com as an address and am staying with my dad until things can be sorted out. Please send us some prayers. The kids are being troopers, but I know this hurst them a lot, and especially right at Christmas knowing they lost their gifts and most likely a lot of their belongings. It was dark, so I don't know the extent of the damage yet.
I'll post pics when I get some.
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November 30th, 2007
04:29 pm - Catharsis---the true meaning of a journal for me
and that's exactly what I need from writing right now. We have some biopsy results for Jordan. There's some damage to his stomach and esophagus from acid--something about the flap not closing off his stomach completely and most likely it's been this way all his life and it's just now worsening.
So much stress my head is going to explode. It's coming from all directions. The good thing: Jordan no longer feels like everyone thinks he's a liar or crazy. That's the first thing he said to me when I told him the biopsy was showing some damage. And he said thanks for believing me, Mom. I always knew he was hurting. It was his father,his sister, the school, and even the "specialist" who doubted. Now to get the damage healed and keep the problem under control. Also saying some prayers they don't find anything further in the biopsies. They took three.
I'm to the point that I don't want to be around anyone. The slightest stressor, the slightest little bump in the road sends me to tears. I'm going to "Coping Skills" group like my doctor wants, but frankly I don't see the point. I could have stayed in daycare and done the same thing: Listen to people whine about how horrible there lives are. I give advice on how they can change things for the better. They really don't want to change, just whine and have people feel sorry for them, so the next week the same people whine each week. Just like the daycare parents. I don't need to take on anyone else's problems. I told them that. They said that is my goal for the group, then, to learn not to take on other people's stress', to learn that I can't help everyone and that not everyone wants help but wants sympathy and for people to do it for them. Wonderful. I don't need it. I need to be alone.
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November 27th, 2007
03:44 am
Another night of not sleeping, but at least this time it's only a partial night. Up at 3 a.m. and went to sleep sometime after 11p. Last night it was up at 8 a Sunday and not to sleep again until Monday afternoon sometime for a nap.
Keeping all the blogs I am right now to promote business and to make money to make up for the fact that I've had to stop working to get help with Jordan's Riley Hospital for Children bills, I rarely write any honest journaling any more and I think that's exactly what I need, some writing to purge some of this stress. That's what I'll do here, because I don't keep this one as public as the other writing do.
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September 26th, 2007
06:56 pm - I'm On Ravelry Now!!!!
Yay me! If you are a member there, drop me a note with your user name. I'm simply Dorene. Not creative, but easy to remember. And don't forget, I'm blogging more on www.gingerbreadhousestudio.com/blog, www.creativenotebook.com, and www.busymomonline.com than I am here these days. I'm still reading everyone, though and trying to slowly get you all added to my bloglines.
I'm going to be moving soon. Into my own place. No more renting, no more huge utility bills from this unkempt, drafty old house. I get the keys this weekend, and will move in hopefully next weekend. I'm so excited.
It seems after I hit absolute rock bottom this April, that it was just what I needed, because I have certainly gone up, up, up!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is coming together. My writing career is taking off. I'll be teaching altered books and atc's locally after the first of the year. I've found new passions in spinning and knitting and dying.
I just can't tell you how good it feels to have something positive to post for once. Keep praying that it keeps going for me, o.k.?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/energetic.gif) bouncy
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September 2nd, 2007
11:04 pm
I've not been writing here lately. But here's where I'm at:
www.gingerbreadhousestudio.com/blog for my art and fiber stuff
www.busymomonline.com more single mom /parenting stuff
www.creativenotebook.com my blog about journaling and creative living
I'm slowly trying to add all of you to my bloglines so I can keep up with you. I love all my LJ friends and I promise to try to do better reading your blogs!
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June 1st, 2007
11:53 pm
I have to say that God intercepted in a very strange way when he put me in financial straits so I couldn't go to Chicago. Here's why My kids were with their dad this weekend. My daughter had a slew of homework, 106 algebra problems and she was worried about getting it all done. Their dad tells them this morning that he and his gf have bought a camper and that they are going there for the rest of the weekend. Daughter panics because of all the homework and asks to be brought home. She's home and working, then I have her go with me around 8p to a gathering because I didn't want her to be home at night alone. Around 9:30 my son calls, crying. He says he doesn't feel good and wants to come home. I ask him if he can just go to his grandparents(on his dad's side) because they live very close since I'm not home. He says no, he wants to come home. So, I tell him to have is dad drop him off at my mom's house and I'll come get him as soon as I can. He hands the phone to his dad, who proceeds to tell me he doesn't care where Jordan goes. That both the kids are lying to him. I tell him that daughter did have homework, and didn't she show it to him(I know she did, she told me) He still didn't believe it and then says he's tired of trying and that he's going to drop Jordan off and drive his car off a bridge. I ask where is Jordan? He says right here in the car beside me. I go off telling him he has no right to say something like that in front of a 9yo child and that he'd better shut his mouth and take Jordan somewhere safe. That he's an adult and responsible for his own emotions and that he can't blame it on the kids because he doesn't have what it takes to deal with them like a father handles his children and that he should take Jordan to my mom and after that he could do whatever he wanted. He said fine, I will. Then Jordan calls and tells me he is going to his grandparents instead of all the way back to the town we live in and by this time I am panicked. I gather my stuff and tell Mack to call her grandparents and tell them I'm on my way up there to get him(an hour away). She gives me the phone and ex's mother starts going off on my!!! Yelling at me that I didn't trust her with my son, and why was it o.k. for him to go my my mom but not her? I told her it had nothing to do with her, that I wanted to see my son and didn't want him with his dad. She said, "F you!." And hung up! I drove up there and got my son. She was still mad, but oh, well. She told me things were being said and words slung around she didn't appreciate. I reminded her I hadn't said anything to her except that I was coming to get my son and that I knew I wouldn't sleep at all until I knew he was with me and that I was sure she would have done the same thing in my shoes, and that if she felt that was insulting, so be it. That I have no idea what her son has said to her, but that I asked he be taken to her first because it was closer, and Jordan WANTED to come home, and insisted to come home hysterically(and who could blame him after hearing his dad threaten to run the car off a bridge and he was driving like a maniac). I told her that she needed to stop and think about what she was saying in front of her grandchildren right now, because Mackenzie was crying and scared because of her dad's threats and now felt like she would lose her grandparents too because they were mad at me. She tried to defend him to me and Mackenzie saying he apologized to Jordan and that sometimes people say the wrong thing. This is not the first time he's threatened this when he isn't getting his way. It was one of his favorite tricks when we were married. But this time he got a different reaction from me. I'm not the cowering wife who begs him not to hurt himself and swears she'll be a better wife from now on if he'll just take it back. I'm the new me who told him to take my son to his moms where he's safe and do whatever he wanted to himself. Bet that was a shocker. I'm also done playing referee to his silly fights with these kids. For nine years I've cleaned up his messes, tried to explain to him the kid's point of view, and made them make up with him and go with him when they didn't want to. Not any more. I don't want them with him. We are home now. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I talked to my friend who is a family crisis counselor, and she said that legally I can withhold visitation from him and write to the judge who ordered in our divorce and tell him what happened and ask for a psychiatric evaluation. She also reminded me that this was one of his brands of mental abuse and that most likely it was directed at me. Is it wrong to say I hate him?
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May 7th, 2007
12:18 pm - KNITTING AND SPINNING
If anyone has any recommendations for knitting and spinning blogs here at lj, I'd sure love to have them.
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07:30 am - dream notes
First we are riding in a car down Columbus street, the street the kids schools are on. We are in front of the church getting ready to turn on Home Avenue. I'm not the one driving, but I'm responsible for the person in the back seat with me. We can hear the music from the ice cream truck behind us. The others in the car (don't know who it is) are irritated with me because I won't let them go back and get something from the ice cream man, but I know for some reason that's the last thing we should do. The music on the truck keeps changing pace and I ask them if they knew the music on the ice cream slowed and sped up according to how fast the truck was going. ( Read more... )
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May 5th, 2007
09:45 pm
Just watched The Notebook and knit a couple of pattern repeats on my second sock. It's out of tofutsies yarn, don't know what the color way is called but it's burgundies. This will be my first set of completed socks. Gotta stick with it and get it done. The movie was depressing and beautiful all at the same time. Depressing in it reminds me of my relationship with the ex in the beginning. I was in college and he was a senior. We were opposites, to be sure. I had my head full of dreams and ambitions. Sigh........enough of that. It doesn't always end in happily ever after, and I'll only make the current situation worse by wondering what my life could have been if I'd followed my dreams and ambitions instead of quitting to get married. Sort of opposite of the move, I guess.
I have a huge headache now, from a combination of sinus headache and crying at that silly movie. I don't watch many movies because I'm such an emotional sponge, and too much emotion in a movie hits me like a ton of lead and I cry like a baby. I hate that. I'm a wimp.
I need to get to sleep, but I'm wired for a while. Maybe I'll sit on the back porch and enjoy what's left of that full moon. Maybe I'll just watch something mindless like Nick at Night so I won't think any more today. I'm lost in my own thoughts so much, that being lost when I'm feeling like I have been is nothing but bad news. It's funny how my writing is so honest here lately. I wish I could put this many words in my paper journal. I'm not sure what the block is there. I'll just chalk it up to the fact that I can type fast and keep up with my thoughts, so there's a natural flow between my hands and my keyboard that I can't get trying to get my pen to keep up with my head. That would be a good topic for Creative Notebook. The age old debate on pen vs keyboard. Yes, seeing the handwriting years to come is an awesome connection with the writer, but if the flow isn't there, the author won't write, so what's the point? Maybe that's why I like to journal visually, I can put something in a book, add my handwriting, and have the best of both. Some day, writing won't even be taught to children, just typing. Writing will be an extra curricular art class, like drawing and calligraphy.
I don't like to title my entries here, either. I can't put a title on random thoughts and observations. Brain drain that rolls from my head to my fingers is so random that there's no one fitting title. I title my blog entries on my other blogs, the ones that are very subject oriented. They aren't really journaling, though, they are mini articles on a topic. That's where I thing blogging is sort of hypocritical. When someone reads your blog, the interest, the draw is in the voyeurism, the little peek they want to get into your life, your private thoughts, your head. But in reality, most of those blogs are nothing more than mini articles. They are well thought out non-fiction. And a lot of times, they are written as advertising. Whether they appear that way or not. A buyer is more interested in an artist's work if they feel they have a personal connection to the artist. So, the artist starts a blog to develop that connection. But they only share what they want you to know, and most of it has to do with their body of work, and not the real person behind it. It may be written personal, conversation like in tone, confessional, but in reality, you are only getting what the author wants you to have. Unless they are unusual, the real, raw emotions of their life, those thoughts privy to no one, stay that way. The blog is censored, and maybe, o.k. more often than you know or would like to think, fictionalized. Maybe not complete fiction. But things are left out, modified, sugar coated or dramatized. I'm that way. I guess in a way it's an art in itself. You'll never really get that deep inside another person's head. At least not someone
who openly identifies themselves. I'm really not sure how I ended up here, on this tangent. But I did, so there it is. later...................
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09:26 pm
I'm taking this weekend to be alone, and think. I've been so stressed that I can't be around people without snapping at them. Not a good place to be. So far I've read some, Knitting Rules by Yarn Harlot which I've laid down somewhere and can't find, played with spinning a chunky single in colors I call radio active jelly beans, and pulled some silk out of the stash I've had for months and played at spinning it a bit. I'm feeling a bit better. I've done some laundry and am thinking about finding a place to go to to journal on paper. Maybe Starbucks. That's really the only thing Martinsville has.
I should stay here and do some paperwork, and look for writing gigs, and work on the small amount of gigs I have, but all of it brings me right back to thinking of my situation. Plus, I think the back light is going out of my laptop(Dell Inspiron) so I only have my screen when it feels like it. And of course a new screen is the last thing in my budge, so if I disappear again, you'll know why unless I can find a used monitor to hook to it for cheap. My laptop is my lifeline to people in my little introverted world. I guess I'll get that second sock knit that's been staring at me if that happens, but I'm not sure what I'll do about daycare paperwork because my food program stuff has to be submitted online and I'm responsible for that daily. Guess I'll hunt down that cheap used monitor Monday. I have no choice.
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May 2nd, 2007
03:12 pm
Does anyone know where you can get those little counters that track your progress to a goal that you see on blogs. I've seen weight loss ones and ones counting down to a pregnancy due date before.
We've sold 25 tubs of cookie dough for cheer leading which yields us $150 plus the $60 we already paid is $210 of our $600 goal. The next fund raiser is selling tickets to their car wash. But I'm going to have to do some fund raising on my own to get it all. Then whatever we have let we are going to donate to the school fund to help low income kids with extra curricular activity costs. The fund is almost depleted here in our school system and won't be refreshed till next school year/budget.
I think this is my cause, now. And not just because my own child is facing not having the money for equipment, but because I do childcare for so many kids that are low income, and even sheltered three little girls when their mom was homeless because she'd lost her job and wasn't getting any child support. Their needs to be money so these kids can participate, even if it's little league football or soccer. I know when football season starts, even though it's just $60, it can be a huge amount if you are struggling. These kids all need a chance to participate in these kinds of activities. Sports and dance have made such a difference in my kids lives.
If you'd like to help with this, with the extra going to the cheer fund to help others who can't afford it, my paypal is dorene@gingerbreadhouseshoppe.com. I'm going to put it up on my other blog, too.
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May 1st, 2007
09:29 pm
I have a phone number to call to make an appointment with someone from the hospital about the $700 bill. There's hope that there might be some funding left for low income people that comes from donations from the community to help with the bill. The physicians billing service is not being so helpful. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep at them. So keep me in your thoughts.
Landlord has not been by for the rent yet, but I think if I have half, they'll work with me. Been here 4 years now with no problems before.
Now to come up with a way to make up the deficit. Still digging out stuff for a garage sale. I'm tired, both mentally and physically.
I do have a family of three that are supposed to stop by tomorrow for an interview, and a mom on state paid daycare who has to switch providers because she got a new job and her provider won't let her drop off an hour earlier. Keep me in your prayers. We really need the money, and we need good clients/parents in our childcare and not people to cause us more stress.
I was offered a job with the state in the child support division. I worked in accounting/hr doing payroll and child support withholdings in my previous life. Exciting, yes. But the pay sucked. Only $8.00 an hour with an hour drive. Gas just went up to $3.00 a gallon here. After I paid the bills and $60 a week in gas, we'd have $30 a month left over as long as the utilities didn't fluctuate. Obviously I had to say thanks, but no thanks. I wanted to badly. I wanted a job with insurance(and the state has great benefits), and paid vacations/sick days/personal days, and a regular paychecks. But that gas money if I'm still working from home and making the same is grocery money. I wanted it badly, but not to the point of being in an even worse situation than I'm in.
We spent the morning outside today. The day was beautiful and the kids ran and yelled and soaked in the sun and the spring breeze. I tool the laptop out with me and searched out a few paid to blog companies to see if I can generate some quick cash from my other blogs--the ones that are more fluff than my real life. Sold some Avon, actually a big order, so one of my credit cards is paid. I think I'm going to let the lights go this month and try to pay it next month. That frees up a part of the car payment. Those people, even though I called them on the 10th to tell them the payment would be late and gave them a date that I would have it, have called me three and four times a day. I told them over and over that there was a note on my account about the payment arrangements(and there was), but none of the reps clicked the little box to take me out of their collection call loop on the computer, or however it works. Finally tonight I told them I was aware of my rights and that this was harassment and I was asking them to stop or I would take action. Not sure if I can actually do that, but my nerves are shot to hell from all the calls and I swear if I see Wells Fargo on the caller ID again I'm going to start hearing voices or something. I want to cancel the caller ID to save the ten bucks a month, but I'm not so sure I don't need to try to keep it to keep my sanity for now to avoid the stupid collection calls from psycho car finance people.
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April 30th, 2007
01:54 pm - and words of wisdom from my son.........
I want to make sure I get this down. He never ceases to amaze me. He's my handful, always has been since he was conceived, but he's also my amazing, wise little man. From the mouth of my wild and woolly nine year old:
We were on the way home from the grocery store Saturday where I'd just dumped the last of the cash I had made last week. I was thinking about that, and had seen a client of mine there with a cart load of stuff and she was showing me all the stuff she was getting her kids. This "lady" is 30 years old, she's the one who was in jail last fall and I kept her kids with me and out of foster care if you remember that one. She lives with her parents now, works as casual labor where her dad does, maybe one or two weeks a month, never a full week at a time. She has to ride with him because she has a suspended license. It's an automatic here for driving with no insurance and pulling away from the pump. (she could have had it back in January but blew all of her 2500 tax return)
She worked last week and got a check, so she was out spending it. Her daycare is paid for by the state, always has been. She gets food stamps and turns them over to her mom(as she should I guess since she doesn't help with the living expenses), her medical is paid for by the state because she manages to not work before her reevaluation, but works before her daycare evaluation enough to keep her state paid daycare--talk about being able to work the system. So basically, when she makes money, she gets to keep it and spend it.
Anyway...........I just started crying,again. At the stop sign on Ohio street. More stupid stress relief had to be done crying. My son asked me what was wrong and I told him I guess I'm doing it wrong, because she can go get her kids a cart full of toys and clothes and everything is so easy for her with everyone else taking care of her and we have to fight for everything and I'm very sorry I don't have more to give them.
He patted my hand and said "But what does she have to be proud of, Mom? You work hard for what we have and take care of her kids because she wants to play around all day instead of taking care of them. What does she have to be proud of? Nothing. And you do. I'm proud of you."
I cried even harder then. Sadness, joy, pride. Because he was right. Even though it looks tempting, I could never lead my life that way. And my kids won't either. They'll make their way the honest, hard working way. Her kids? They're getting a first hand example of how to milk the system.
Isn't he a wonderful, wise little handful? I'm so proud to be his mom.
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01:34 pm
I don't have my auctions posted yet. I'll post my eBay when I do. If you need any candles, I have some on etsy, and I'm going to pour some 8oz jar candles today and post them hopefully tomorrow. If you like candles, you can contact me on etsy at gingerbreadhouse , and my etsy and paypal addy of dorene@gingerbreadhouseshoppe.com. I have most any fragrance, just put in a request. I sell them for $6.00 a jar plus shipping. If ya buy Avon, I signed up to pimp that too, to make some cash. It's www.youravon.com/dorenepage .
Garage sale prep is going good. Got a couple bags of clothes together so far. It will be nice to have that bit of clutter gone, too.
We had to give our dogs away. I'm severely allergic, and that might be what triggered the asthma, pneumonia. I had kept them outside in the kennel/run until February when it got so very cold. Then we took them to the Barking Lot for a good bath, haircut, and beauty treatment(teehee), and kept them inside. Two cocker spaniels indoors and one allergic/asthmatic mommy equals potentially bad news, I guess. They might have been the paw that broke the immune system's back. I found a great lady who runs an A+ rescue to help me place them, and they have wonderful homes, but we miss them terribly. We still have our bunny, though. He doesn't seem to bother me.
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mysticscribe's journal
